At Least I've Still Got Knitting
by Mr Wang 330
Summary: Heh… What chance did I have of getting her, anyway? What am I compared to him?


Heh… What chance did I have of getting her, anyway? What am I compared to him?

Ever since we solved that incident, kicked that god's ass, and solved the case, things have been getting a lot better lately. We're all hangin' out more until Senpai has to go back home. It's gonna be tough without him… Still though, I'm wondering if he thinks I'm not noticing a damn thing, or he's trying not to hurt my feelings by not talking to me about it. Or maybe he hasn't caught on that I actually like her. Do I really like her though? Damn it, I don't know what to think about it.

Fuck, what am I gonna do with myself?

Senpai's the best guy I know. He's strong, he's got a knack for leading people, he's smart, and isn't afraid of shit. He's everything I am and more. He's my hero… and my best friend.

And I'm not gonna lie, he's way better in dealin' with girls than me. The guy's practically a _ladies man_, he can get any girl he want. He's got all that swag or whatever the hell people are calling it nowadays. I can barely look a girl in the eye, let alone talk to her. Senpai's helped me overcome a lot of my obstacles. I'm now more confident in who I am. I'm not gonna let the world tell me who to be, what defines and man and all of that bullshit. But it takes a while to get used to this whole thing, y'know? I ain't gonna change overnight, but I'm gettin' there. And my friends are there for me.

Everyone's happy for me and gave me more respect for standing up for who I am. Rise-san, Yosuke, Chie, and Yukiko-senpai, and goofy 'ol Ted. And even Naoto. Especially her.

I won her respect, sure, but I haven't won anything else from her. Someone else did. I guess it's only natural that the Hero gets the girl, right? I would've thought someone like Yukiko-senpai would've fitted his tastes, but why the hell'd he have to pick Naoto of all people?

Shit… I'm not mad at him, but… Maybe I'm a little jealous of him. Senpai's kinda the guy I wish I could be sometimes. And it's not just me really. He's a guy you'd just be jealous of. Yosuke and a bunch of other guys wanna be him too. He's the kinda guy who sets standards for everyone else, he's the kinda guy you want to be better for and stuff. You get better because you either want to catch up with him, or maybe he just fired you up to get better. And he mostly just listens to people vent about their problems, and he doesn't say a lot. But when he says stuff, it's the right stuff. He's way better at talking than I am, that's for damn sure.

Hehe… Half the time I can barely understand what the hell Naoto's saying. It's no real contest as to who she'd choose. Some loser who knows how to knit, or hero badass of the Investigation Team? Oh I'm not saying knittin' is for losers anything, it's hella awesome. I'm proud of that, and my mom sure as hell thinks so too. The store's doing great, I hear. And I ain't leaving knitting behind for _anything._ Anyway I'm just saying the knitter behind that isn't as hyped up as Senpai is.

At first I thought things were… I dunno, not that noticeable. Senpai's got this charm thing going with all the girls, and when we found out Naoto was a girl of all things, he couldn't keep his eyes off her, just like the rest of them. But he wasn't being an asshole about it or anything; he was acting like a real good guy about it. Heh… If it was anyone else but him those girls would give him a hell of a beating. But that was him being him. I didn't think it was anything serious until after our investigation was over and I started… hearing things.

Yukiko-senpai, Chie-senpai, and Rise-san all talking about how Senpai was spending quite a bit of time with Naoto lately… Ted and Yosuke-senpai talking about how Senpai finally chose a girl… I thought it was all bullshit of course. I mean, what're the odds of that actually happening? Things kinda got more and more obvious with those two though. Senpai started getting a little touchier with her, and I noticed that Naoto was a hell of a lot more relaxed than she usually was. She wasn't so damn uptight about everything. I mean she still is most of the time since she's got a lot of standards to keep; she wants to be a real pro detective after all. But it's kinda gotten better… mostly around Senpai though. And, lo and behold, she's starting to act a little more with a girlish personality. It's damn cute sometimes, but I sure as hell wouldn't say that in front of anyone. But all these changes are thanks to Senpai.

In truth, maybe they're really a good couple. They're both smart, they got a knack for this investigation stuff, and can certainly kick ass on their own, even if Naoto's a bit scrawny, y'know? Really, the thought of being actually _with _a girl scares me, but I thought that maybe it could be different this time, y'know?

I gotta change something before it's too late. I'm living in this little world in my head at how maybe things don't need to change, I could just look at her from a distance. Then I realize how damn creepy that sounds and then think I need a real decision to make. Do I fess up to Naoto and actually say something, or do I wait around with a thumb up my ass? The more I wait, the more time Senpai has to put the moves on her… He wouldn't actually do that, would he? Nah, he wouldn't… right?

I try thinking about that while I'm sitting here at Junes having a bite. It's either here or at school everyone's plannin' out stuff, so maybe that whole brainstorming stuff can rub off on me while I'm sitting here. It doesn't seem like Yosuke-senpai and Ted are working today, so maybe I can have a little peace and quiet. It's been a while since I've done something so damn simple as thinking to myself.

Not really working though. I feel like I should just be working at home instead. Crocheting and knitting's always cool. Hell, it helps me relax. I can just imagine something cropping up in the 'ol noggin right now... I'm not really seein' what the final picture is, but something usually I think these sorts of things piece-by-piece. Something looks nice, like a cool ball of yarn with nice texture... blue seems nice... I love this shit. Wait, damn it, am I just trailing off again?

Where the hell'd I get blue from, anyway? I'm just looking around and it's the first thing I see... Wait, what? Wait a minute... Blue... blue hair? I see couple having lunch together that looks kinda familiar. Are they…?

_Son of a bitch!_

I feel a bit angry again, but I hide my head behind some of the shit on the table as I looked at them. Naoto wasn't wearing that blue suit, or hat, or anything. She hardly looked the same anymore, save for that blue hair of hers. She was actually wearing girly clothes for once; a summery kinda dress, even. Senpai was just looking slick in a dress shirt and slacks. But people only dress that nice for shit like dates, right?

I look down, hoping they don't see me. But I stand out like a sore-damn-thumb, don't I? How the hell many other 6-foot Japanese guys with bleach-blonde hair and piercings are there in Inaba? I'm basically fucked.

"Kanji-kun?"

That voice… Yeah, it's definitely her. I look up like a shitty loser and see Senpai and Naoto walking up to me looking kinda surprised. Senpai herself looks really damn shocked to see me.

My face's probably red right now. What's getting to me? Seeing Naoto in a dress, getting spotted, or knowing I've basically fucked up my chances at being with a girl I'm actually interested in for once?

"Hey, good to see you guys! How's everything going?"

I try to pretend it's nothing serious, but they're smart. They probably know I'm starting to crack up right now. Oh, god… I haven't fought this hard against tears since I faced down my Shadow. I hate myself right now. I can't take being rejected well, huh? Even if the girl hasn't even rejected me yet. Damn it, I should be happy for those two, they're some of the best friends a guy could ask for. But why the hell am I feeling this way?

"Is something wrong, Kanji-kun? You're looking quite pale, and your skin is flushing. Are you ill?"

There she goes again with her logical conclusion bullshit. Somebody shoot me right now.

"Kanji… is there something wrong?"

Senpai's talking to me now… He asks a simple damn question, and it's hella hard not to answer. I turn away from his head, covering my face up to hide my emotion. That voice always "reaches for the truth" and shit, so I can't lie to him real easy.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine! I just got this cold or something, it's really bad! Don't want you guys to catch it or anything!"

Naoto looks at like she's just… picking me apart or something.

"Kanji-kun, if you're sick, why aren't you wearing a mask to cover your face, then? You'd potentially get others around you sick."

Damn, why didn't I think of that? There she goes again, being smart and everything… But then I feel a touch on my shoulder. I look up and see Senpai up there.

"Naoto, why don't you go get us some refills at the restaurant? I'd like to talk to Kanji for a little bit."

"Hmm? I see… Very well, I'll be back shortly."

Naoto walks off. She knows something's up, but she's probably not in the know, and probably wants to let her new little boyfriend take over. Somehow I think that this moment's the closest I've gotten to see her the way I've wanted to see her in a long time… That's kind of a shitty thought. Senpai takes a seat next to me. He takes a deep sigh as he looks over at me. I know what's coming, though I don't really want to hear it.

"Kanji… I've heard some things from Yosuke and Teddy. Naoto and I got close, one thing lead to another... I can't deny my feelings for her, so what I'm trying to say is... are they right? If so, then I'm so-"

"Yeah, I'm sorry too. Just wish you'd have been a man and said something about it to me first, damn it."

What the fuck did I just say?! I put my hands on my mouth and try to take back what I just said, but the damage has been done. Senpai looks at me all shocked and stuff, and I don't blame him. I also won't blame him if he punches me in the mouth for what I said. In fact, **_I_ **should punch myself in the mouth if he doesn't.

"I... I'm sorry. I had a hunch that you liked her, but I didn't want to say anything. I didn't know anything for sure at the time... That's not an excuse though. I don't have anything else to say other than I messed up. I'm supposed to be your friend, Kanji. And I messed up."

What? God damn it... Proving Senpai wrong and me right should've been a moment where I'd feel like a genius. It makes me feel like a sack of shit instead.

"Come on, Senpai! Get a hold of yourself, damn it! I'm happy for you, don't listen to my bullshit!"

Senpai looks real bad right now... He puts his hand in his face, and now he's putting his face away from mine... This sucks. He's not talking to me now. Damn it, I know that I'm kinda jealous, but I'm not letting this destroy my friendship. I'd sooner lose my life for him than stay mad at him over a damn girl! What kinda wuss am I if I just throw a fit over this?

"No, you're right. I let stress get to me, you know? I know that I'm not perfect. I take on too much, I ignore one little thing, and this is where it's gotten me. Kanji you don't need to apologize for me, I-"

I put my arms on his shoulders and turn him to face me. I see Senpai's face, free of tears but full of regret, or some shit. I look him straight in the eye.

"Senpai... You're my hero... and my best bud. Nothing's going to change that. Not a god damn thing. I'm with you a hundred percent. You're better for her than I am, so it all works out better for us, right? I ain't ready for any of this romance shit, and losing you as a friend sure as hell hurts more than losing some girl, right? Without your help, I'd probably have gotten myself killed, even if I wasn't ever sucked into the TV world. Maybe this is the best or something."

Senpai now looks a bit nervously back and forth at me mentioning the TV world. Shit, we're out in public, aren't we? Someone could hear me. Shit, someone probably hears me raising my voice. Better pipe down before security takes me out or something.

"Kanji, I-"

"I'm back... I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

Naoto comes back with drinks for us. She's probably all confused why both of us are all red-faced and shit. Senpai and I look at each other for a moment before I turn back over to Naoto. Yeah, she's confused as hell, but for some reason that doesn't really matter right now.

"Nah, it's fine. We're just having guy talks, that's all. C'mon, Senpai, go hang out with your girlfriend. After everything you've been through, you deserve it, don'tcha?"

Senpai's girlfriend blushes a bit at me calling her that. That look on her face was enough to get me and Senpai back smiling again. Though I'm guessing for different reasons. He's smilin' because he's got his girl, and I think I'm smilin' to see those two act like a couple.

"Kanji-kun, you don't need to address us like that, not out here-"

"Course I do! He's a guy, you're a gal... You're happy together, what's the confusion over? It's what couples are called, right?"

I ain't gonna be some brooding asshole, moping about stuff. I've already lost my chance. All I can do is just move on. I ain't gonna live in the damn past, not after I got over these barriers I've kept up. I lost a girl, but who needs them, anyway? Who am I? Kanji god-damn Tatsumi, that's who! I'll get over this. Think of what'd Senpai do... One door closes, and another one can open at any moment... Hey, that was pretty damn philosophical! I bet not even Naoto would say cool shit like that!

"He's... right, you know. Maybe we don't need to say it in front of _everyone._ But it'd make me happy if you didn't mind me calling you my girlfriend. If not that, where's our relationship right now?"

There we go, Senpai's back up and running again! He's not talking as smooth as I'm use to hearin', but that ain't important. Naoto looks away for a bit before taking another glance back at us. She's a proud gal, that's for damn sure. Doesn't want to seem weak. She's kinda like me. Hell, she's kinda like the entire Investigation Team, now that I think about it. We all had our Shadows to face. But we act tough, even though we all admitted at some point or another how weak we really are. But it's just enough barrier to be brought down when you're with your buds. Senpai's good at that stuff. Now maybe I can help out a bit.

"I... suppose we are. Funny, we've seen each other for some time now, but the thought of declaring someone else as a _boyfriend _wasn't even considered. Heh... Investigation, linguistics, and literature... nothing read in a book actually prepares you for something as simple as being with another person you hold dear. I truly am immature."

"Naoto... At heart, I think we're all a bit immature. But don't ever let it get you down. It takes a bit of courage to act like a fool sometimes. But you're a lot more than that. Even if you might you think you're immature, that's part of the girl I fell for."

Naoto looks at now, blushin' a bit more but looking even more confused. Bet she wishes she had that hat still. She could cover her face right about now. She's now looking at both of us like we're up to something, avoiding eye-contact and placing her hands on her hips.

"Okay... Just _what _were the two of you discussing prior to my arrival? I highly doubt it was something so simple."

Senpai and I take another look at each other. All it takes is a smile from him to get me smiling again.

"Like Kanji said. Guy stuff."

Naoto just rolls her eyes at us. Normally I'd kinda feel bad, but now it's kinda funny. If I laughed without Senpai here with me too I'd probably get a beating. And I'm not afraid of Naoto to be honest. But the possibility of getting beat up by her would hurt my pride more than anything.

"Listen, it's getting late. Why don't I take you home, Naoto?"

She's still looks a little miffed, but she smiles and nods along with him. Senpai gets up and looks back at me.

"I had a good talk then, Kanji. We'll still hang out with the rest of the team like usual, right?"

"You got it. Same old same old, right?"

Senpai's skeptical, but I don't blame him. Still, he at least looks like he feels better. That's alright with me for now. Maybe we'll talk about it later sometime. A better time. Not sure when that'll be though.

The two start to walk off... I'll admit, I might've acted a little more okay with those two together than I actually feel. But I'll get over it, damn it. I've gotten over worse stuff in my life, and there's a hell of a lot more I've got to go through when I'm older. I know that I'm still gonna have to go to school for a few years without my other Senpai around. Take this as a life lesson or something. Getting over it's gonna take time though. I'll have to grow up and be a man, not what other people think as being a man, but I've got to man up to myself. I'm weak, that's the damn truth and it ain't gonna change soon. But I'm sure as hell getting stronger, and I'm not talkin' about the muscles.

For now, I've still got good friends. If Senpai's not there, I got the rest of the Investigation Team to depend on. They all risked their asses for mine after all, more times than I can remember.

Until then, there's yarn and needles waiting for me back home. I'm thinking of a couple... knitting them. Yarn body and felt clothes. One with blue hair, the other with grey. Hands sewn together. Hey, maybe there's a way to take this shitty day and make something positive out of it. Maybe it'll be a bad reminder, but I'll take this failure and make sure as hell it doesn't happen again. To hell with romance, I've got everything I need right now!

I've lost the girl, yeah. At least I've still got knitting.


End file.
